im feeling cold. are you?

2009-09-20T19:31:00.001+08:00

arbieandchubbs.livejournal.com

2009-04-03T23:11:00.001+08:00

time to take it to another level

2009-03-30T00:53:00.001+08:00

my last gift

the kind of feeling you get when you know you've lost something amazing.

the last one I will ever tell, will also be the longest and most painful of them all.

2009-03-22T18:54:00.005+08:00

I missed you, so, so much.

I cannot, I can't lose to myself. Get up Shiyang. Get, up now. I beg you.

2009-02-05T01:13:00.002+08:00

FUCKSHITFUCKYOU

2009-02-02T22:37:00.003+08:00

Well, Duh.

Yes, it is I suppose empowering to make choices like that, to give up something so coveted. I am strong for sure,

But I am so alone.

2009-01-31T00:50:00.002+08:00

prodigal of promise

How do you know when someone’s really looking into your eyes? If I take a photograph of you and me will I be able to draw a dotted line from pupil to pupil? I don’t, and I never actually know, but hey to put it crudely, your eyes are magnets, and mine, magnetized.

Anyway, I looked in your eyes and said I was sorry, two seconds too early it seems or maybe I am just bad at this because it felt like you were about to do the same, yourself. But something in your eyes told me that my words made you reconsider the apology at the tip of your tongue, “Shit.” Why bother apologizing to someone who has already accepted all blame? And something in your eyes told me that you were slowly ridding yourself of all guilt, convincing yourself that it was misplaced, realizing that it was me this time round and maybe me all this while.

Then I woke up. So you see, we are both guiltless in all this. I say “you” and “we” in the loosest sense possible, because honestly, I forgot who you were.

2009-01-08T22:57:00.001+08:00

such a pretty, pretty girl.

2009-01-08T00:30:00.000+08:00

MY HATE CAN ONLY GET STRONGER LIKE ME IT IS THE ONLY WAY.

AWWWWWW MAN HEADACHE.

2009-01-06T01:11:00.001+08:00

If you were she

Today I felt as though life was dreadfully inadequate. And I could sense that monstrous and insatiable hunger, that need, for more, more, more, the me in me that said I. WANT. EVERYTHING. Something that could make me more than human, or less than. A deal with the devil. An ascension of sorts, to something greater, and something unimaginable. Something different.

Not all who jump off buildings have a deathwish on their minds. Of course, there are those who step off the ledge and close their eyes knowing that in no time, they will hear nothing, feel nothing, and cease to be, anything. They are dead before they hit the ground. But there are those who go down with their eyes open, arms outstretched, and in those precious few moments they taste life as they’ve never tasted it before. Maybe, maybe my arms will turn into wings, just at the last second, at the very last moment before I perish, and I will take flight into the horizon and I will be unlike any other before me. Because I flew.

Nobody means it when they ask to be able to fire laser beams out of their eyes. And there are few who pray to break others beneath their fiery gaze. But somewhere inside each and every one of us, we’ve hoped, and we still hope that something makes us special, something makes us unique from the one next to us on that mundane bus ride. We don’t ask for much. Some of us wish for the ability to sleep, peacefully, amidst the mindless drivel of the quarrelling parents. Even more of us wish for the ability to stop them, to wipe the tears from their eyes and drive the anger from their hearts. To make everything okay. Then there are those who wish that they could be heard by anybody, is anybody even listening to me? Some just want to stop feeling lonely, and some just want their imaginary friends to be real, to be there for them, and sometimes, to just be there. And any of us who’s ever watched a beauty pageant would know that there are those amongst us who wish for, what else? World peace.

But most of us have looked at the sky at some point and marveled over its beauty. Perhaps it is beautiful because it is unreachable. Or perhaps it is beautiful in the way that cannot be explained. The same way you look into somebody’s eyes and say “You are beautiful”, and you don’t even know why. But the words are out, and you do not regret them. You meant them all the same.

But I digress.

What I really wanted to say was, we don’t ask for much. Most of us just want to soar in the sky and be part of its beauty, if even for just a moment or two.

So next time, don’t judge.

2009-01-04T01:28:00.002+08:00

When Love And Hate Collide

I love you but I don't how much I should, which wouldn't be a problem if I knew how much you loved me to begin with.

Hold on.

You do, right?

2009-01-03T01:56:00.002+08:00

Sometimes We Learn To Say No To The Good Things

Sometimes life isn’t all about balance. Sometimes life is about wanting this and wanting that and doing anything to get everything. And you will bleed and you will scream but your greed knows no bounds, so you will fight till you are wretched and you are all but there. You are everywhere.

Sometimes life isn’t about loving. About being happy. Because it may take less muscles to smile than to frown, but the words “I Hate You” come out more easily than their counterparts. Cause sometimes life gets bitter, not bittersweet, never bittersweet, just bitter and we get on our knees and pray for things that never come but we go on and pray anyway for what is living without hope. And what is breathing without dreams?

But there’s a reason why we dream and why we live and why sometimes we don’t do both together. Because sometimes we set our feet firmly on the ground and whisper to ourselves that we were never free to begin with, and what wishful thinking, because we bear the hopes of a generation long gone. And who are we to embark on a journey of our own when an unfinished one was set upon us before we’d learnt to bear a burden?

Once in a while life isn’t about being good. It was never about being perfect, sure, but sometimes it’s about being bad too. Its about being naughty, stealing the cookie from the cookie jar, staying up past your bed time, not coming home for dinner, walking out on someone, drinking and driving, needles and lies, sharp tongues and slick smiles, and more. Definitely more.

But if we never lose then we never really win either. And if we never hate then we never know what it means to love. And we risk losing ourselves in the clouds if our feet aren’t somewhere safe. And if no one were bad then all good people would be the same. And when we stop hurting, we stop being human too.

Life isn’t all about breathing deep and breathing strong, but the moments that take your breath away. For better or for worse.

Today was for better, for sure. (:

2008-12-17T23:24:00.000+08:00

Never lie to a lady

I kissed you good bye at the airport.
I held you so close to me.
I said So here we are now and I cant stop from crying Lilly.
And you said Hey hey hoo, you know this is the way to go
You will forget about me when Im on that plane.
Forget about me when Im on that plane.

Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight

The plane took off and my love went with it.
The chilly wind whipped my both cheeks hard.
And the man next to me said Everything is gonna be alright.
I said Nothing is gonna be alright, but thank you anyway.
And then I saw your face in the airplane window.
I waved my hands and I shouted to you:

Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight

I wore a T-shirt and my worn out hat.
Abandoned as a summer cat.
And as I stood there as a broken hearted I realized you got the car keys still.
So I broke into my own old car.
I fell asleep on the passenger seat.
I dreamed of summer sex with you and you whispered in my ear:

Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight
Why cant you leave me tomorrow instead?
Why cant you leave me tomorrow instead?

And above the clouds she said to her self I cant believe how naive a man can be.
Thats why I love you so and thats why I cant be with you

Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight tonight tonight tonight
I wanna be with you tonight

2008-11-21T17:50:00.002+08:00

already I am pining.

But I know this feeling does not flow both ways.

at least, not in the way I feel it.

2008-10-06T00:19:00.000+08:00

I hate having to say goodbye to people whom I’ll dearly miss but whom I know are on the brink of having the time of their lives. It’s such a selfish thing to say but

I’ll hate having to say goodbye to you.

2008-10-04T22:16:00.000+08:00

If I could be the repairman

I. Am. Freaking. Tired.

It’s been an insane, insanely fun past weeks. Like seriously, I could never have imagined that mugging would be so fun! OKAY AS IN THE MUGGING WASN’T FUN BUT WE LIVE FOR THE SPACES IN BETWEEN YOU GET WHAT I MEAN? Things like our dilemma over where to get Good Food for lunch, from canteen to J8 to United Square to Food Court (!?!?) to Jack’s Place to BEN AND JERRY’S ICE CREAM. Things like being told “WANT TO SLEEP THEN GO HOME” by the ever-friendly librarian at Esplanade, I have many presents for him. Funny things like our daily GRAND PLANS, and we all know that being late for any GRAND PLAN means a Yakun Kaya Toast breakfast treat. Stupid things like exploiting faulty classroom windows just to find a good place to study. Painful things like having to rip our test papers to shreds, with the exciting prospect of incinerating them later, when what’s really torn to shreds was our confidence, and what we burn we hope to forget. Beautiful things like sunsets, when you realize momentarily that our school really is a beautiful place to be in, and is filled with beautiful people, you just have to wait. Breathtaking things like glimpses of sheer beauty, manifestations of everything that you’ve ever wanted, strolling right past you, practically unnoticeable to anyone but yourself. Breathtaking things like, applications of integration.

I don’t really know what I’m writing anymore, and I’m having the feeling that it’s really because my promos mugging experience was such an unbelievably stressful but unbelievably memorable one. It’s like everyday was different. Everyday was, different. Strange how I feel this way, maybe I’m just an emotional retard, but when you get the feeling that you’re going to miss PROMOS MUGGING, or rather the people that you mugged with, then I guess it all must mean something to you. Maybe it’s the idea that there’re ten or so other people sitting around you striving towards a common goal of acing those promos, ten other people who’re probably more than happy to explain the most terribly difficult chem concept to you, who’re all ready(perhaps all too ready) for a chat, anytime, and ten other people who you can laugh at, and laugh with.

I still don’t know what I’m writing here, probably cause I’ve been trying to condense about an entire month’s worth of joy and laughter, of aching pains and of exhausted minds into a blog post.

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

2008-09-20T23:02:00.000+08:00

She woke from a dream
Her head was on fire
Why was he so nervous?
He took her to the park
She crossed her arms
And lowered her eyelids

Someday, somebody's gonna ask you
A question that you should say yes to
Once in your life
Baby, tonight I've got a question for you

She had no idea
Started to cry
She said in a good way
He took her by the hand
Walked her back home
And they took the long way

Someday, somebody's gonna ask you
The question that you should say "yes" to
Once in your life
Maybe tonight I've got a question for you
I've got a question for you

2008-08-22T00:31:00.000+08:00

I have called you hot, but now I'd like to call you beautiful.

Somehow I feel like my deal with the devil's nearing its end, and now i'm losing my eyesight, among other things.

2008-08-14T23:31:00.001+08:00

won't you save me a seat next to you?

my mind has caved in on itself and all i can remember are memories of sitting down.

sitting in a cinema
sitting in restaurants
sitting in cabs
sitting in buses
sitting at home
sitting in tutorial
sitting in lectures
sitting in a corner
sitting by the track
sitting against a wall
sitting on the cold, grey stone floor

sitting, alone.

2008-08-05T23:52:00.000+08:00

I am tired and I am angry

2008-08-03T23:04:00.000+08:00

I love Subway, yes i do.

I wish that I was beautiful for you
I wish that I inspired tiny fireworks inside the way you do
So delicately made
A prayer left unprayed
Before the morning sky fades
Up to blue
And I wish that I was beautiful for you

I wish that somehow I could find a pill
For a quick fix modern tonic that would change me with one swallow I would
kill

Watch folks line up to pay
Stare at me all day
But I'd turn them all away
If that be thy will
One tiny little innocuous pill

But a wish is just a pin
In a swimming pool of needles
If for one night you need the room
I wish to be your tomb
You can lie in me

Is it possible I've other things you need
But to be worthy of a single page out of one of those magazines you read
As glossy as a mirror
But mirrors never lie
They're difficult on the eye
It's true
And I wish that I was beautiful for you

I dreamed that we were travelling on a bus
Speeding along an unnamed plain towards somewhere and nowhere there was us
Our hands lay useless in our laps
Like beetles on their backs

We came to a stretch of road where a fire
Had burned the edges all along it looked as though the highway wore eyeliner
You kissed me by surprise
When I opened my eyes
You'd turned into some old guy
I screamed
But don't forget of all these things I've only dreamed

If for one night you need the room
I will be your tomb
You can lie in me

2008-07-17T23:35:00.000+08:00

Human as I am.

2008-07-15T00:41:00.000+08:00

I watch you walk away; it is like fire

It was really amazing to be able to take a week off from the mundane routines that define our everyday school life, all the lectures and all the tutorials, and just hang around the TSD room till late to help/ watch, where chaos and confusion are the order of the day. I was escaping, really. I believe some of us were. Escaping from my triple Us and running away from all the needless nonsense. Which is probably why my return to lessons today, or at least, the first two blocks of lessons today, GP and physics, felt so strange. Strange that I felt such a terrible longing to be anywhere else but in the back row of A56, listening to teachers drone on and on about what stupid mistakes we made in our CTs and how we could better improve. Perhaps now that I put it that way, it doesn’t seem that strange after all. Still, I missed the class, I really did, I missed 6J a lot, but today just wasn’t what I was looking for. No surprise then, that I would rather have been cooped up in the TSD room, where I could truly be free.

It’s over now, and I will never again get to play the father who feeds his sick and delusional 5 year old daughter lies, false hope, and her favourite chocolate chip muffins, because “if you don’t eat, the medicine won’t work”. I will never again kneel behind a canvas screen and writhe my hands knowing that in the red light, the shadow that I cast will appear to be one of the billions in hell seeking salvation. Perhaps, I might also never sit at the windy benches and attempt to fashion a miniature golf club and cricket bat out of cheap clay, or paint the finishing spots on a puppet Jaguar. And the next time I attempt to steal cookies from the examiner’s cookie jar, will probably be next year. When I will be the one being judged and being scrutinized, hoping that he doesn’t figure out that the reason why he doesn’t get to enjoy the little bits of heaven, is because I did.

Maybe I am overreacting, but it is difficult to imagine another time where everybody will rehearse, make mini sets, sew clothes, paint, basically rush last minute preparations again. It is difficult to imagine another time such as this, where I am in school, and yet, not in school.

Tomorrow, I have Civics, Chem lecture, Math tutorial, and PW.

And then, I have TSD.

2008-07-11T00:38:00.002+08:00

i sometimes wish i'd never been born at all

NO MORE.
I WILL LIVE LIFE MY OWN WAY.
AND I DONT NEED ANYONE TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

2008-06-27T23:21:00.002+08:00

and right now, right at this moment,

I do.
You're goddamn right,
I do. So fucking much.
And it is terrible to feel like that, terribly satisfying.

2008-06-23T23:06:00.002+08:00

the meaning of life is that it ends

I SWEAR.
I WILL FIGHT.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
I WIL GRIN AND BEAR IT.
I WILL PUSH HARDER AND HARDER.
I WILL NOT FALL.
I WILL GET UP.
I WILL THROW MYSELF IN AGAIN.
AND I WILL WIN.
I WILL DO ANYTHING TO WIN.
I WILL NOT WEEP.
I AM BROTHER BEAR.
I AM A RHINOCEROS GOD I HOPE I SPELT THAT CORRECTLY SEE I CAN BE FUNNY TOO.
I AM KUNGFU PANDA.
BRING IT ON, BITCHES.
HAHAHAHHAHA.

I will ignore the voices in my head.
There are no voices in my head.

What am I, insane?

2008-06-22T21:03:00.000+08:00

I am not dying.
But I am losing my life, and my mind, slowly.
I am losing me.
That, is different.

2008-06-16T00:21:00.001+08:00

maybe I'm the bad guy

I wanted to blog tonight, like about the people who i've seen in school and basically my mugging exploits and escapades, but i decided to wait and see whether tomorrow's session is productive or not (:

this, however was a beautiful, stormy start to a day of studying in school.

and this was a really pretty end.
prettyprettypretty.

now my eyes hurt, but i'm too afraid to ask for you.

2008-06-09T00:10:00.002+08:00

nothing but the truth

I feel alot more quiet and contemplative nowadays.

You were lying, and I could hear it in your voice. it's a lie, i told myself, it must be.

or maybe i just dont dare to believe you anymore.

but she's right, friends count for something too.

I don't need you.

or at least, that's something i'd like to believe in.

the people who matter to me now are the people whom I can talk to, and who make me happy.

2008-06-05T00:15:00.002+08:00

falling apart

barely holding myself together and i'm scared, but you have everything.

i'm scared.

but
you have
everything.

2008-06-02T00:03:00.001+08:00

I am alone with the things I have done.

I tried, you know. I really did. I tried and I tried to sort myself out and sort us out, sort everything out. But I get tired too. I get tired of feeling like trash, and being treated like trash. I get tired of crawling into empty corners of my own imagination, wondering if we’ll ever get going, swearing that if things ever took a turn for a better, then I’d change too. Nothing really worked out though, and alternating between trying and waiting, sometimes doing both at the same time just didn’t seem to cut it. So I was left to grovel, and beg, and I was left feeling like a ravenous puppy scrambling over scraps of your leftover attention. It wasn’t enough, of course. Leftovers are never enough.

There’s no point pretending that it didn’t hurt, no point saying that at some point I felt so happy that the hurt didn’t matter, because it did. It did matter. And I keep the scars as trophies of my loss, so I’ll never forget how it felt like to want to die. This dull pain. What is this dull pain? I don’t know. All I know is that I was trapped, alone, do not deny me this, yes alone. Fumbling in the darkness, I felt everything I once held dear slip through my fingers so, so quickly, too fast for me. Helpless, homeless, broken and beaten, and at the end of it all, I gasped for breath though no air would come, and collapsed. It is terrible to feel like you have nothing, absolutely nothing, terrible to feel blind, and deaf, and to have to be blind and deaf, if only because it numbs the pain. What you can’t see can’t hurt you. What you won’t hear won’t kill you.

To be abandoned and alone, left with only your fingers to gnaw on. To be abandoned and alone, left with only your own, despairing soul for company. Do you know what that feels like?

I wish it could be different. You know, sometimes I dream of happy endings.

They always end with you smiling.

Why do they have to end?

2008-05-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

feels like i shouldn't be there, i swear.

2008-05-20T22:01:00.000+08:00

I would ask you to stay

but you left me to drown, anyway.

I’ve been dreaming a lot recently, and the dreams have been pretty strange. Like once when I dreamt that I was trapped in some hotel and it was the end of the world, apparently, the sky was raining fire and all that shit, so they, whoever they is, gave each and every person a chance to use the one and only working phone to phone somebody, anybody, just to say your farewells. I remember dialing and dialing and dialing when it was my turn, but I kept dialing the wrong number, or it was engaged or something. Well, whatever.

Just last night I dreamt that I was in the middle of a mutual confession of love, new love, with someone over the phone, and just as we were reaching the climax of our conversation, I woke up. And it was terrible. Terrible how enticing the prospect of new love was to me in my dreams, and terrible how enticing the prospect of new love was to me even as I lay there, awake, and lucid.

I'm tired.

Is it time to sleep yet?

2008-05-18T00:18:00.001+08:00

the people who make me happy;

you aren't one of them, no dear, not anymore.

so tired of faking it. tired of being plastic.

2008-05-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

you can sleep when you're dead

and it is pain to dream, and to desire.

2008-05-07T00:42:00.001+08:00

God, I was too late. And it makes me angry.

sometimes, you make me ashamed to be me.

2008-05-04T00:58:00.001+08:00

silent.

2008-04-17T21:58:00.000+08:00

i tell myself that it is okay

the things i don't know how to tell you.

2008-04-09T23:08:00.001+08:00

I AM STRONG. STRONG YOU HEAR ME? FUCKING STRONG. I CAN DO THIS. I'M A MAN. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN. CAN. CAN. CAN. CAN. IF I AM TORN APART I WILL PIECE MYSELF TOGETHER, BUT I WILL NEVER BE TORN APART. NOTHING. CAN. BREAK. ME.

2008-04-09T23:03:00.000+08:00

THIS IS FUCKING KILLING ME BUT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

2008-04-08T01:11:00.001+08:00

since when has anything ever stopped us?

since the time when everything counted for nothing, for i am nothing, and you are everything.

something, anything.

breathing.

2008-04-05T22:40:00.002+08:00

sorry, but i have nothing now.

2008-04-04T22:53:00.000+08:00

I am, afraid.

Call me by your name, won’t you?

there’s this crazy looking guy who frequents the fast food restaurants around my area, and all he orders is a miserable little plastic cup of water, no charge. Then he sits down somewhere prominent and sips slowly, all the while stealing furtive glance from the sides of his eyes, him in his Planet Hollywood shirt and denim shorts, him with his unevenly shaven head and glazed glasses from so long ago, him, with his wealth of facial expression, the twitches that seem to convey everything and nothing all at once.

You there, what are you thinking?

I feel that you get the same impression from me, that you just don’t understand, except that for me, I am a void of human emotion, with scarcely a crease or wrinkle in my features, neither for anger nor for joy. This is, what they call, a blankness of expression, something that only applies to the dead, and those who are dying inside.

I am not dead, but neither am I dying inside. Yet why is it that when I dare to look into a mirror, what do I see? I see a lonely, lonely, lonely man just looking back at me. The same goes for the people around me, I am not myself, they say. But why is it that I feel, alive, alive like I’ve never lived before? It is as puzzling to me as it is to you, so when I do look into a mirror, I never fail to ask,

You there, what are you thinking?

My mirror self asks me the same question, just as I do, and I find myself being unable to answer, so I don’t really blame him for ignoring me either. It’s a tough question, I should know,

I’m thinking about you.

Yes, I’ve told you this before. When you can’t tell what I’m thinking, that usually means I’m thinking about you. But what exactly about me, you ask. I have thought of you being happy, being happy without me. And yes, while a selfish part of me is comforted by the fact that you care, the part of me that still loves you so wholly wants only to see you smile. I cannot make you happy, and perhaps nothing about me can ever be good for you, which is why sometimes I want to pull away from you, for you, but baby it hurts like hell.

And the only reason why all of us put ourselves through so much hell is so that someday we might just have that single glimpse of heaven. Just once, and we can breathe easy once more.

I still feel like I have so much to tell you, but there’s never a right time, and neither are there ever the right words to say.

“ It’s funny how we say things we don’t mean so often, and we tuck the things we really mean to say deep inside, kicking it to the back of our minds because words are so meaningless we spend our whole lives waiting for the right time and the right place to say it, I WAITED.”

The crazy looking guy in KFC catches my eye, and something in my face calms him I suppose, because he stops twitching and instead chooses to mimic the emptiness he senses within me. Never have I seen him like his before, and perhaps this is his way of asking me

You there, what are you thinking?

2008-04-03T01:00:00.000+08:00

i lost count.

i wish you'd take my hand and tell me that everything will be okay, but you can't, and it's not your fault, because i never really let go of yours in the first place.

2008-03-26T03:28:00.000+08:00

plus six, and im really really tired.

push me away.

2008-03-24T22:00:00.001+08:00

plus 5 was a pain

Monday’s are a pain. Took a nap just now but still feeling super shagged, so I think I’m going to sleep goddamn early tonight, just too tired to think about anything now.

Council interview results came out today, and I guess I’m sort of happy that I got in, but a lot of the initial feeling’s been lost now, and it’s something I need to think about too, like fast.

I just don’t wanna make things any worse anymore. My whole RJ life so far has been a total fuck up and I don’t want to fuck this up either.

I don’t want to make things any worse. This is bad enough for everyone.

Sushi buffet with ally and grace was still awesome though :)

please don't make me any empty promises anymore.

2008-03-24T00:02:00.001+08:00

plus 4, and whatever am I counting for?

HELLO EVERYBODY I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY GREAT DAY YESTERDAY, AND MAYBE SOME OF TODAY TOO (:

Okay so on Friday right daryl was asking me whether we should watch movie on Saturday before mtdf’08 Let Go cast dinner, but unfortunately before we could make any plans, he went to dota.

Damn sian.

So the next day I woke up damn sian wondering what the hell I was going to do stoning at home all the way till 6

WHEN SUDDENLY,

Daryl and hiok called me. And after like. 1 hour, we finally had a super plan for our afternoon/evening. 1 hour. WATCH RULE#1 THEN HORTON. HAHAHAH. Movie marathon for the win man, honestly. Okay so after realizing that brendaz couldn’t join us which was a bit of a disappointment, (SINCE SHE HAD CHURCH TO GO TO), I went to buy rule#1 tix first at marina while daryl and hiok settled the Horton tix. After waiting for like freaking long suddenly both of them rounded the corner panting and sweating like dogs, apparently, cos they also ran like dogs and weaved in and out of 100million poor innocent citypeople from suntec to marina.

Rule#1 was not bad, it wasn’t really scary, more like. Sick. Like the smile the possessed woman had when she stared at shawn yue. Like the freaking foetus in the freaking bowl of blood. Like the 6 schoolgirls tied together by their ponytails and holding hands then jumping off a really high building and literally ending up as a heap of bodies. Sick. Seriously. Okay but after getting freaked out, (especially daryl hahaha)

WE HAD HORTON TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

So we made our way to suntec, while both of them described their running route to me, and it turned out that hiok decided not to go home first(RITZ CARLTON DINNER.) and instead, watch Horton with us! Haha I bet he totally didn’t regret it please. Had some time to kill so we played this awesome stackers game at kbox, which is rigged, I swear. Each of us spent 3 dollars and got goddamn close to the PSP/W700i take your pick, but as luck would have it, not lucky enough!

Went in and took photos with PANDAMONIUM(okay this is was just me cos I look like KUNGFU PANDA.) and HORTON HEARS A, WHO!?!?!?(yes I think it’s a question. Or not.) which was seriously retarded ahahahah. We’re going to watch KUNGFU PANDA together too, because it looks too retarded and cute to be missed hahaha, probably cos im starring in it.

HORTON HEARS A WHO IS AMAZING. EVERYONE IN THE SINGLE WORLD SHOULD CATCH IT LIKE NOW. Okay fine like daryl said not everyone can enjoy it, like the little kids might have found it cute and all (like we did!) but they probably would have felt a little shortchanged since they wouldn’t have gotten all the puns and all, and the adults would have found it super retarded. BUT FOR RETARDS LIKE HIOK DARYL AND I, HORTON. WAS. FREAKING. PERFECT.

Like one of the best movies I’ve ever watched in my life. No joke. The Whos, Horton, the Kangaroo mother thing, VLAD THE VULTURE AND VLAD THE RABBIT, were all damn cool. My favourite character of all was the small yellow furry baby thing which barely spoke a word of English and made inaudible sounds most of the time but was like the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in a motion picture. Fwah.

So anyway watched the movie right, feel damn high right, so must try the STACKERZ machine again. I swear I had this fucking good feeling as I was playing it, cleared all the stages very quickly(little did I know that daryl and hiok had the exact same feeling), but at the last part, just as I pressed the button, I had this sudden feeling that I was too slow.

And too slow I was man, because rigged or not I missed the goddamn thing by one goddamn square. Sigh. think we were more shocked that I didn’t win than if I had won. Ohs wells, but it’s just not meant to be I guess.

STILL, WE STILL HAD OUR HORTON HIGHS and couldn’t stop talking about it like all the way until citylink where hiok said goodbye as he had highclass dinner to attend, and we met auyong ally and claire for dinner (: after walking like around suntec for damn long and thinking over SURF AND TURF, MUTHU’S CURRY(which was a cleaner establishment than we initially thought), and so on, we decided to eat at crystal jade xiaolongbao where we all had our noodles and xiao long bao!

After a lot of gossiping and bitching about certain people and certain groups of people, and after eating, a lot, we had our super dessert at NYDC where I had this cookie monster thingy which was not bad, although I hate chocolate with a chocolate passion, AND WILD BERRY FLOAT. WHICH WAS AMAZING. I LOVE BERRIES.

Dessert was a hell lot of fun with everybody, and we managed to persuade our all time favourite BIDD(auyong) to use his POLAROID(WTH!?) and take like 5 shots, so each of us could get 1 group shot. And after ogling at our photos and how unpimply we looked, we decided to write something on our photos,

BUT WHAT?
Turns out that claire has amazing handwriting (nearly as nice as baobeiz :D) so originally we wanted her to help us write like one line from each of us onto the thing, but auyong’s marker was too thick ): so instead, each of us got a MTDF’08 LET GO. in her amazing cursive handwriting(turns out she used to write invites for RGS, seriously a pro), whether we wanted it flush right or flush left I think she was quite stressed, we kept talking about screwing up daryl’s one and changing MTDF’08 to MRDF’08 which would be freaking hilarious hahahaha.

So our cast outing came to a close with each of literally letting go of let go, and we parted ways, whether it was for public transport, or in mine and daryl’s case, shared cab hahahaha. Dropped him off at clementi, got home, and wikied HORTON HEARS A WHO? Had trouble sleeping because I kept thinking of all the freaky things in RULE#1 but eventually got tired at 3 or so and I dozed off (:

DAY 2 OF AMAZING WEEKEND:

Tennis. Was. A. Pain. Because I used new balls which were ultra bouncy and ultra everything so whacking each one felt like whacking air. Nevermind we still played till what, nearly 12? Then I met hiok, wanted to arrange to go to his house but I wanted to eat with keeyao and fir. So we had our lunch at S-11, which was super money saver as usual (: and turned out that hiok had just boarded the cab when I was done eating! Said my farewells to the tennis gang with promises that next week will be better, and rushed to the taxi stand where hiok and his friend I think it was yiheng were waiting, they were super excited over the super matches today, and I had my own humble opinions but, dare not voice la hahaa.

Reached hiok’s house where his mum offered me to lunch with the family like 50times, and realized that hiok’s brother, also a hiok, but this time a hiokyang, will confirm plus chop grow up to be a strapping young man, so the hiokchiou might be overtaken, so exciting hahaha. Hiok dotaed and he had an amazing score of 14-0 against a really crappy team which was broken from the inside, and following that changed into his Mr Masturbate shirt, which I admit is quite nice la, quite funny (:

His mum sent us to parkway parade where he got the damn bad haircut costing 32 dollars, even on the cab to city hall he was still in shock and thinking about his hair. But honestly If it comes right down to it, its not that bad la hahaha just a really vast difference from his previous one, which was pretty cool in the messy got a lot of hair way. ):

Anyway we met the rest of the og(kehui arias barry kenneth waicheung ryan yijie jess) and had dinner at soup spoon, which was a pain cos I ordered the mushroom thingy which had pieces of mushroom floating everywhere, and I hate my mushroom soup in anything other than cream ): didn’t even finish ¼ of it. Waste money ):

BRENDAZ joined us at marina 5mins to the movie in her sweaty and smelly RJPE(okay la it wasn’t sweaty or smelly at all I smelt her hahaha) and STEPUP2 THE STREETS HERE WE COME.

It was not bad la seriously, don’t think it was worth all the hype, although the dancing was really amazing, the plotline was, not. Haha but then again nobody the hell watches STEPUP2 for the story! But. The. Dancing. Was. Good. Took a group photo with brendaz cameraphone after that for remembrance, said farewell to the rest of our beloved og, then quickly headed down to the mrt to take train home with brendaz after a short toilet trip.

Was stuck at redhill(ONE STOP AWAY FROM QUEENSTOWN WTH) for like 5mins for no apparent reason, then realized that eyedropp’s life is seriously damn tough ):

Sigh.

Anyway that’s the end of my super weekend and tomorrow’s gotten even more super cos I might just be going out to eat sakae with grace and ally hehehehe.

That’s the end of my super weekend, and believe it or not, you too were part of it.

And a part of me wishes you’d hold my hand, again, or not.

2008-03-23T00:19:00.000+08:00

plus 3 was pretty amazing

RULE#1 + HORTON HEARS A WHO!?!? WIH DARYL AND HIOK + MTDF'08 CAST DINNER WITH AUYONG ALLY CLAIRE AND DARYL ROCKED, SO NOW I AM TIRED.

I WILL BLOG TOMORROW, I SWEAR.

beautiful.

2008-03-21T21:55:00.001+08:00

plus two, which happens to be two more than math.

staying up till 0530am this morning felt great, haven’t stayed up till so late in pretty long, can you imagine hahahaha.

I wonder if you know,

That I still care for you, that I’ll still be here for you, that I still need you, that I still feel you, that I still think about you, that I still think you’re unlike any other, and that I still think that you’re beautiful

I still love you. Only now,

Only this time, I’m going to read a book.

And not dream.

2008-03-20T17:50:00.000+08:00

plus one

everything felt different today, like i was looking through my own life with somebody else's eyes. or was i really living someone else's life with my own eyes? i don't know, and it doesn't really matter now.

walkin through the canteen, doing chem practical, stoning through pe, lunching with droplets, everything felt just the way it should be. i feel like i can breathe again.

it should be like this. it shouldnt be like that.

and its okay that you cant bring yourself to love me that way, i understand, really. i thought that knowing that would bring up old insecurities with myself, but it didn't, and im surprised. it just makes me want to get stronger, faster. it pushes me. because i know that someday soon, i will be perfect.

someday, i too, will be enshrined.

i too, will be a god.

training tonight (:

2008-03-19T23:08:00.000+08:00

this is the end

when I told you how I felt and what I’ve been feeling these past few days, especially today, I guess I never expected such a reaction from you.

I lie down on my bed and think back. Some people say it is horribly painful to think back about what never was but I know I won’t hurt anymore, and looking back can only make me happy. Not sad. Only happy.

I remember one day when we ditched the public transportation and our promises to save money, like we always do, and hitch a ride instead on one of those 250s, or rather, 280s. feeling your shoulder against mine felt so real then. But feeling your head against mine felt all the more like a dream.

Thinking about this makes my throat dry, so I get up and go make myself a glass of apple juice, 100% fresh is it? Or is that Sunkist Orange Juice? I don’t know, I never liked orange juice. Did you? Anyway i’m not thirsty anymore, but neither do I feel like lying down so I sit on the couch and let the ghosts of my memories take me away again.

Was it yesterday that we first ate cheesecake? No, it was last year. Even before the holidays. But it feels like yesterday though. Feels like yesterday when you stuck out your hand and I slapped it, thinking you wanted a five, but you grabbed it instead, and you said friends forever. So I said friends forever too. Back then it was still friends, wasn’t it? Yeah, it was.

There’s a sudden explosion of emotion within me, but I quell it knowing that feeling can only be so terrible especially if you feel all the wrong things. I’m quiet now. I feel soothed. Its almost like you’re right here with me. But you’re not. You’re somewhere else. But that’s alright. Sleeping or simply stoning doesn’t feel right anymore, so I climb up the stairs to use the computer, simply because I need something to do, but even as I climb I drift.

I drift away into a phonecall, where nothing is said, but everything is felt, because one side needs the security of the other to fall asleep, and the other needs…to feel needed. It’s as simple as that. And our silence really is golden.

I’m at top floor now, and I walk to the computer and sit down, staring at a screen that holds, for me, so many memories that I wonder if I have the guts to face. It seems like almost everything will remind me of you, but I know that this too, as with everything else, will pass. I decide to write a play. I don’t know what it’s going to be about, or what it’s going to be called, or even whether it’s going to be good or not, but I don’t care, I’ll never feel like this ever again, and I want to put it down on paper.

Putting things down on paper reminds me of the silent messages we exchanged each other during a physics lecture. Messages of pain and confusion. It’s great really, that we never have to go back there again. Never again. We won’t have to hurt anymore, I tell myself, and it is the truth.

We won’t have to hurt anymore.

I have to stop writing now, my play beckons to its writer, and I have to attend to it. Outpouring of the rest of my emotions can happen there.

I’m happy that you’re happy.

I’m happy?

Hey, is that the name of a play I see?

Eh, no, not quite.

Oh well. There’s always elsewhere.

2008-03-18T21:53:00.002+08:00

searching for solace

was pretty stone today, and that usually means i’m thinking things over or there’s too much going on inside me to make me feel like portraying emotions of any sort, despite everything that I feel. But it was like a cancer, really. I felt whatever I was thinking about blossom inside me and just like that, parts of me inside began to shrivel away and die. I was, for those couple of hours, dead.

I am, alive.

I’m searching for solace, because something deep down inside me tells me that there’s so much more to look forward to and so much that I have but I’m not seeing. Or maybe that’s just the part of me that wishes I had so much more.

Sometimes it scares me that everything that defines you and me hangs only by the threads of our trust for each other, which are by no means thin, but which are by no means tangible either. All the same

I believe you.

“I believe you.” Said he.

Solace is still somewhere out there.

Can help me find?

2008-03-17T23:35:00.001+08:00

it's not so bad

Sometimes, I like to think back to those two nights.

And I know that everything we shared then was pure, and that it was true, not true like, true true. But true like, soul true. Even if what followed those two nights was a shambles. I know that when we righted all the wrongs, and when we wronged all that was right, we really meant it. We really did. Really.

And I know that for those two nights only, we were everything, and we were all I knew.

Sometimes I like to think that’s what life is about. Like, the memories you treasure most. Like loving someone who can never love you back, or doing things for people when you know that they’ll never appreciate it. Just living your life knowing you owe it to no one at all, knowing that what you give, you give freely, not expecting anything in return.

Hell, life isn’t about the 0/25 I got for my math tutorial test today, or my 6/25 for chem. It isn’t about waking up at 6plus every morning dreading going to school.

I guess it’s about needing someone so badly you just wish that it’d work the other way around too.

No that can’t be right. Can it?

Sometimes, I like to think back to those two nights.

Goodnight said she, sweet dreams said he.

2008-03-17T22:21:00.000+08:00

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

2008-03-16T11:05:00.000+08:00

i am closing my eyes and typing whatever comes to mind so this might not make sense to you or it might orit might not whatever do i really look like i care now because like seriously man i dont dont dont dont care well today's the end of holidays like finally manz now i have to go to school tomorrow and face hell for all the unfinished homework like maybe math assignment 3 that i have yet to hand in but then again not that many ppl have handed it in but i havent handed it in and i guess thats whats most important huh huh huh haha huh hahahah huh huh sort of sounds like haha if you listen closely doesnt it what it doesnt oh oh well that cant be helped sigh its sunday today and yet there's no tennis why like that leh oh its cos im sick yes i've been sick for the past few days mr raindrop's been sick sick sick man must be all the rain well today seems like a pretty sunny day maybe mr raindrop should have gone to play tennis hee hee oh well but mr raindrop's still sick sick sick not sick in the body maybe he's done with that he was probably done withthat yesterday but all this while mr raindrop's been sick sick sick in the head yeah he's sick i the head sometimes he just wants to laugh it off but he cant he cant laugh it off if he laughs too loudly everyone will stare at him and take him away to woodbridge or something yes that's probablywhat they'll do take himaway far far away where people like him belong where people who laugh too loudly or laugh for the wrong reasons or just laugh are taken to and they're stuck there and they can never get out because they never realise what they're doing is wrong is it even wrong in the first place maybe a question mark here would do nicely or maybe it wouldnt who knows whos to say i dont know i cant say anything im too tired and its only something like 11 maybe this fever's gotten to my head i can't think straight anymore this reminds me of the time when i had dengue was it last year yes i think it was last year last year last year uhhh it was june i believe oh ya during the june holidays and it was one week of hell one week of despair not knowing if you'd ever get better and you start to lose hope lose faith lose everything haha i even lost weight in my delirium so you see this world doesn't matter to me i'll give up all i have just to breathe these are lyrics from secondhandserenade i hope i spelt that correctly that was a really really long word hur eh no it was more tan one word t was 3 maybe ohs wells when will i stop stop stop trusting you it hurts i know no mother should have to outlive her child no mother should have to see her daughter die these are lines from Let Go let let go i wonder if i still remember my lines yes i think i do sometimes i like to say them to myself in my sleep because like our director said we're never going to perform this play ever again its kind of sad isnt it yet its kind of nice that there're some plays which we can keep to ourselves like that I SHOULD HAVE SOLD YOU OFF THE MINUTE YOU WERE BORN they said but i said TELL THAT SOMEONE YOU NEED, THAT SOMEONE YOU CARE FOR, THAT SOMEONE YOU ADORE THAT YOU LOVE HER. i said I LOVED HER. I REALLY DID.

i really did.

let's pretend we're alone. but i dont't care.

tell me tell me what makes you think that you're invncible i can see it in your eyes that you're so sure please don't tell me tht im the only one thats vulnerable

impossible.

2008-03-13T22:32:00.000+08:00

even though our skies seem grey, you were really really hot today.

i mean "it". "it" was really really hot today.

damn tired and damn cold.

you'll always be my thunder.

2008-03-05T23:36:00.001+08:00

sticks and stones may break my bones

but yes, you've broken me. and no longer will i have the strength and confidence to say what i used to say, and do what i used to do.

i lose, and you win.

after all, you always win.

you always win.

2008-03-04T22:49:00.000+08:00

Suddenly.

no, i'm not emotional. i'm not angry or sad. i'm not panicky or anything. but i accept. calmly, and quietly, i realize.

that nothing will work.

nothing.

2008-02-12T00:18:00.000+08:00

all the more for that

whatever.
talk to me when you feel like saying things you really mean.

2008-02-05T01:49:00.000+08:00

dont go

Sometimes I wonder what I really mean to you, and what you really mean to me. But why risk all that I have with you now on a hopeless, meaningless gamble?

2008-01-01T01:46:00.000+08:00

i just read last year's new year post, and i am so full of shit, its actually quite funny! haha. and i cant believe i actually took so much time and effort into writing out each and every major event(for me at least) that took place in 2006. wow.

okay so 2007's passed by in a flash,
from moments of triumph to moments of shattering defeat
from tears of sadness to tears of joy
from unrequited love to undeserved awards
from being needed to being trashed
from 2.8, to 3.24
from Hue to Chiangrai
from 156, to NOKIA 156
from catching up with age old friends to meeting up with super, new friends
from feeling like dying to wanting to live, and back again.
from Bleach to Gintama
from JRIC to Grad Night
from fucking fate, to pure good old luck
from waking up to going to bed
from sober to wasted
from baker to villager
from being hated to being loved
from Thursday to Thursday
from FMA to IWGP
from more to Moor
from psycho cripple to psycho lion
from Him, to nothing
from pop to opera
from STUBS to LOVE ME HATE ME KILL ME NOW
from walkman phone to chocolate phone to best phone ever
from songs to spikes
from interact to Interact
from Econs to Theatre Studies
from liars to more liars
from self-doubt to insanity
from audition to auditioner
from goodnights and farewells to nothing at all
from thinking too much to just not giving a fuck
from handcuffs to heartcuffs
from Delirium to Despair
from falling down to getting up
from emotions to nothing, to emotions, to nothing
from self confidence to inferiority complex
from slashes to ashes
from taxi to taxi
from players to Raffles Players
from C’est La Vie to Nel cor piu non mi sento
from First Day Of School to PSGM
from the court to the ring
from the classroom to the stage
from my home, to you
from start to end,
from this, to that.
I’d like to thank everyone who made 2007 magic. Because it was. No matter what I say or what I seem like, or what I do, or even what I don’t do, 2007’s been the best year of my short, 16-17 year life.

“I have loved many things.
Like the clouds in the scorching summer heat,
and rain that freezes the skin
the scent of cool autumn breezes,
and the gentle softness of the earth during spring
the cosiness of a convenience store at the dead of night
the slight chill in the air after school
the smell of the blackboard duster
the roar of a faraway truck,
echoing deep in the night...
And i wanted us to experience them together,

Always.”

Excerpt from my favourite post of all time. This year(2007) I’ve come to realize that nothing is impossible, nothing, its just how hard you try and how much you want it. And how much it wants you.

No matter how much I want to cry out “no, you fool! What’re you talking about, you know how much you want her!” ya well, I figure that if I don’t even want to come to terms with the truth and the lies, if I don’t want to come to terms with myself, then I’ll leave this unfinished dream of mine, and mine only, and return another day when I’m up to it. Because much as I think that things are complicated, and that its you, not me, it really is me, all of it is, all of this shit is, so forget it. You don’t know anything, maybe it should stay that way and we can still be cool and all, and be friends! :D

What do I want this year(2008)?

New Year Resolution:
To be happy on my own terms, always.

Goodbye, its time to seal you away with this new year resolution, along with the part of me that teaches me how to love.

Strangely, I’m happy. Not the YIPPEE IM KING OF THE WORLD kind of happy, but a different sort.

I’m happy.

Aren’t you?

2007-12-31T00:07:00.000+08:00

haahaas gintaaaamaaaaaaaa so farni i onli nid watch dunnid tink kthxbai

2007-12-30T00:18:00.000+08:00

because some things are just better left unsaid

strangely, some of the inner turmoil from friday's sort of settled down already, didnt really expect myself to feel better so quickly. but i still hate the fact that i can take hours to drift off, let alone fall asleep, which is why i should probably get to bed now.

yesterday at east coast i heard a 8 year old toddler utter out some wise words of advice to his parents, though it probably wasn't meant for my ears, i couldnt help it. he was pretty loud.

"you never try then how you know?"

sleep evaded me last night as i mulled over the teachings that 8 year old unwittingly tried to impart to me.

what do i do when i cant help but yearn for the not-so-distant moments, yeah just those moments, where it felt as though you really needed me, and me alone

what do i do when i try i forget someone, and im nearly there, nearly, but that someone walks right back in and makes remembering all the easier?

what do i do when im tired, but dont wanna sleep! :D

what do i do when im bored, and think too much? -.-

or even just what do i do when im bored?

and what am i going to do tomorrow ah. stay at home? sigh.

okay im going to tuck myself in now, and stone at the ceiling (with glow in the dark planets and stars from so long ago), and think. not emo for god's sake, just think. and not think about what was, and what could have been. nah, not shiok. i'd rather think of what can, and what will be, or at the very least, what won't, and what can never be.

i dont even know if it makes sense, but i like the way it sounds. okay night all! (:

2007-12-28T00:32:00.000+08:00

i felt needed.
but i forgot to thank you
too

2007-12-24T01:07:00.000+08:00

i just want back in your head

2007-12-13T00:22:00.000+08:00

mala suerte. i dont understand, whats holding me back from talking to you? damn. things just arent the same anymore, arent they?

ahhhh. sian. and tired. and sian. good thing tmr im staying at home :D today's been pretty fun and fulfilling :O , hope tomorrow's just as good man!

night! (:

2007-12-11T12:04:00.000+08:00

today i exercised a lot and im super tired, but i really love the feeling you get following a long and hot shower right after sweating it out (;

dont you?

it makes me feel drowsyyyyyyyyyyyy and wooooozzzyyyyyy and even smallereyed than i already am -.-

usually the feeling wears off quite quickly but *yawn* ya you can tell. okay off to bed man.

its wednesday already, good night!

2007-12-11T01:35:00.000+08:00

i'm blind and waiting for

i dont even bother pretending to be surprised, because honestly, i've been waiting for this moment ever since the last moment, and the moment before that

always waiting, but never expecting.

goodnight!

2007-12-09T12:49:00.000+08:00

it rained today.

my massive post got deleted by blogger. so i'll make do with these for now! :D

its okay guys, i've had practice. but wth i think the cool part is that these two photos were taken at the same time!

dammit i just saw the weather forecast, its fucking going to rain for the next three days -.-

anyway, after abandoning all hope of playing tennis today(it rained. only got one ball. end of sad story), we stoned in the canteen/played with my ds and then headed down to J8 where we 1stLunched(Food Junction) and then decided to go to the library.

BUT HOW BORING.

okay so we DECIDED to go to the library but in reality, we headed off to the arcade bwaahahah havent gone to an arcade in ages. wanted to play bishibashi but no one to play with me -.- so keeyao selected hard mode on some taiko thing, and he got his ass handed to him rather quickly. i remember earlier there was some old couple watching him, i think they thought he was some kind of pro, but within the first 10seconds of so, they realised otherwise, and made a move off haahha.

then norris and myself went to play silent hill, which is not scary at all seriously, when all the zombies dudes, zombie nurse, zombie dogs, and zombie cockroaches look the same, but what really killed us was the bigass sword wielding iron helmet zombie shit who wasted us depleted our 94/100 life in no time.

still, it was a shooting game! :D and shooting games are always fun heh.

reached dhoby gaut at around 1215(ontime!) and ah gong...was late. then again, he wasnt having lunch so nevermind! so we ate 2ndLunch at kopitiam i think or the food court at plaza sing, and then after buying hot, selling fast tickets for the second row of Golden Compass(second row.) we realised that

THERE WAS A LIVE ACTION POKEMON SHOW GOING ON. I REMEMBER ALL THE POKEMON. OMG.

so there was uh, togepi, snubble, pikachu(obviously wahahah), charmander, and the totodile who couldnt close his mouth, and it was quite hilarious watching all the little kids dancing around with the pokemon to christmas songs, barring the fact that i bought a 4.30 wild strawberry icecream from Gelare just so we could sit there and watch without looking like idiots muaha.

those were the days. as if.

FINALLY it reaced 13:45 so we bought our drinks and we walked into the cinema, and god, the first thing that struck me was the smell.

it stank man. like shit.

okay actually i think it smelt something like the cheese dip they provide with the nachos, only times 10000000000000000. so still quite badass

"what the hell, damn smelly"
"fucking smelly"
"who just farted?"
"who shit alr nv clean properly?"
"why must knn be ccb?

last one is nonsense heh, anyway this was only during the trailers, but we made our point. anyway i heard ppl behind me commenting about the smell too, its really like nothing i've ever smelt man. unbelievable.

the trailer for I Am Legend is equally unbelievable. im going to have to watch it man. anyway Golden Compass wasnt as spectacular or controversial as i thought it might be, maybe its cos i've read the books before(am planning to read them again, since the last time i read was in pri school and i probably didnt understand a shit),but still worth a watch i guess.

i had another strange dream last night, but this one's a bit long, shall save it for tomorrow!

ah. anyway i cant resist anymore, running out of things to do at night so i'll watch ikebukuro west gate park episodes 10 and 11 heh heh heh. with chinese subtitling. no choice la.

MAKOTO, CLICK!

sigh i think(do you think?) we got some issues to work out,
but like you, im too lazy! :D
so lets(i'll) just leave it at that.
heh heh heh.

2007-12-09T00:34:00.001+08:00

what i'm trying to say

trimmed my hair today, not as short as it normally is what with JC being lax about hair length and everything, but still feels quite comfortable heh

okay this post will be divided into TWO PARTS. first part's going to be about the strangest dreams i've been having, and the second part's photoblogging about class chalet, thailand oip, and gradnight! :D

i've been having the strangest dreams, and i'll be singling two out(that doesnt sound right but nevermind) just so you get a brief idea of what i mean.

the first one goes like this:
i'm sitting in my room, at my computer WHEN SUDDENLY! a girl bursts into my room. naturally i go "waturf?" and before any of you start thinking "wth, shiyang's been havng horny dreams", i'd like to inform you that this is a

NIGHTMARE.
NIGHTMARE.
NIGHTMARE.
SCARY NIGHTMARE WOOOO.

okay. so she says something along the lines of "the strangest things have been occurring to me." and i'm like "what, huh? wtf are you doing here"

and then she replies "im being chased. its a bit difficult to explain. it was fun at first, having hairs grow out of the ground and tickle me, but then later, hands started appearing out of nowhere, then legs, then torsos, then heads, then..."

at this point IM SCARED AS SHIT. so i gulp(i remember gulping) and go "omg. zombies." and she says "they're downstairs."

no joke man, you just brought zombies to my house, very considerate of you. so somehow, we decide to escape, and cos my house is three storeys, that means we must negotiate two floors down, as well as get through the main gate and then the outside gate.

i am thinking very rationally here. unfortunately, my actions did not reflect my clarity of thought.

because all i did was grab her, and make a mad dash down teh stairs, while also mentally preparing myself for whatever unholy sights i might behold.

so we reached ground floor, and i saw...

people. like normal people. just a whole bunch of normal people.

i expected zombies, and i saw people.

people.

okay, i can deal with people.

i turn to unnamed girl "people? what the hell?"

"yeah, i mean first there was hair, then arms, legs, torsos, heads, and they all formed into people la"

great. but the people, yeah they're still chasing after said girl, so they grab her, while i sort of chiong for the door, then she screams, and at this point i am faced with a moral dilemma.

DO I SAVE HER OR DO I ZAO.

somehow i made the right decision, reached over, pulled her, and outpulled the whole bunch of savages, and she was saved.

i am serious, thats the end of my dream. what the hell. okay so it wasnt really a nightmare, but, i was scared shitless at the start of the dream man.

i cant really remember the second dream, but i know it involved me fighting with a whole bunch of people for the telephone, because the world was ending, there were meteors striking the earth everywhere, and i wanted to call someone to wish that someone goodbye.

i eventually made it to the telephone booth or dont know what but i kept dialing the number wrongly. strange ah.

OKAY SECOND PART OF POST.

okay, originally there was a second part, but i've decided to go sleep wahahahah because i have to wake up early tomorrow! tennis!

PLEASEPLEASE DO NOT RAIN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE.

okay, i've said my prayers!

and i promise to photoblog tomorrow! really! pinky swear and pinky promise, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye,

which is more than you can say for yourself. because i thought i knew you, but really, what do i know?

what can i say?
i should have known right from the start that it would end up like this.
because i cant be new forever
im just glad to be burning again.

2007-12-08T01:36:00.000+08:00

dont bother to say goodbye

why am i even angry, what the hell.
its been raining for the past three days, and although i usually like the rain and everything that comes with it, hope it doesnt rain on sunday. i need tennis, i need to go burning, and training's getting too stupid to destress.

goodbye and goodnight
and
sweet dreams

2007-12-04T04:14:00.001+08:00

that wasnt the real reason why i was still up, or to why i'm always up

2007-11-30T01:29:00.000+08:00

mr. brightside

im going to sleep by 3 tonight!(in fact by 2 wahahahaha)
sigh going to play tennis tomorrow
but at least there's still training+singing tomorrow yay.

I took the train back
back to where I came from
I took it all alone it’s been so long I know
imagine me there my heart asleep with no air
begging “ocean please, help me drown these memories”

all I need to hear is that you’re not mine you’re not mine

I’m moving east there’s somewhere far away from
the sight of my hands the sight of me not moving
you can’t just hop a plane and come and visit me again
I claim it’s in my head and I regret offering

all I need to hear is that you’re not mine you’re not mine
all I want to hear is that you’re not mine you’re not mine

you take a second take a second take a year take a year
you took me out and took me in and told me all of this
and then you take a moment take a moment take a year take a year
you help me out I listen in you taught me all of this and then

all I want to hear is that you’re not mine you’re not mine
all I want to hear is that you’re not mine you’re not mine
all I need to hear is that you’re not mine you’re not mine
all I want to hear is that you’re not mine you’re not mine

-Hop a Plane, Tegan and Sara
conflicts of interest

2007-11-28T03:18:00.000+08:00

dull days

silence, so i cant decide if feeling your presence, knowing that you're somewhere there makes me feel better

2007-11-27T03:53:00.000+08:00

no longer invulnerable

sometimes, trust too, is borne out of a fear of deceit
i feel weak and unprotected
then again, it's 3:53.

2007-11-26T05:15:00.000+08:00

let's see how far we've come

when your presence alone is no longer comforting enough
and
i'm still up but you're long, long gone.
and
think i could get used to this, and that isnt a good thing ):
and
sleeptime!

2007-11-24T03:14:00.000+08:00

ruby, ruby, ruby, ruby

dont think im going to get any sleep tonight(happens when you've only been awake for about 12 hours), need to find some way to kill time till breakfast. maybe cooking master boy! but that just makes me hungry sigh.

and between you and me, and of course number 149 and number 29, there's a major difference.

i have so much to blog about and so many photos to upload like class chalet, chiangrai, gradnight(dammit i have like 1000+photos in my camera) but i think its sort of turning me off so i'll leave it for sometime in the near future

Under the cloak of illusion that comprises my disguise, no one can see my masks. Human, ogre, kitsune… I can put one on and become someone else. I learned long ago that it’s no more than most people everywhere do every day.

When I put one on, I blank out my mind, turning it into a fresh scroll just waiting to be written on. It’s not the mask that changes my form – I outgrew such amateur trappings long ago. It’s a focus for the real disguise: becoming my subject mentally, so I can project that image to others. They see me as I see myself, so I dive into my identity like jumping into a hot spring. It’s sorcery, acting, and a little instinct all wrapped up in one seemingly simple package. It’s actually anything but. I just make it look easy.

---------------------------------

That was the first thing I had to learn in mastering the art. People want to be fooled. They want to believe their eyes, believe that their fellows are what they appear to be. They don’t want to think about the monsters that could be lurking below the surface, more terrible than the most vengeance-driven kami. Besides, those who don’t know themselves can’t possibly know others. And there are many out there who don’t – or don’t care to.

-from The Face Behind The Mask

i love this.

going to watch stubs tomorrow, hope it really does amuse/amaze me

what the fuck! i just realised that im bleeding, damn scissors.

baskit!

there's no need to feel guilty,
it's just art.

2007-11-06T00:40:00.000+08:00

we are the young, and im off to chiangrai

today was excellent, but i gotta get some sleep so i'll blog about it when i get back!

"I want to know if I could be,
Someone to turn to, that could never hurt you,
But I know what you think of me,
You had a break through and now I'm just bad news for you."
- Keeper, Yellowcard.
ohmygod i'll miss you so much
like i already do
and you wont even know.
but maybe the best part's that you wont miss me at all
like you already do
and i already know.

2007-10-29T23:42:00.001+08:00

bareknuckled

today was super slack and super fun! okay first was classroom cleanup(technically this was the last thing we did in school la) where we basically took out all the trash that accumulated in our cupboards, took down the class curtains, screwed our walls, took down all the other miscelleanous decorations, scrubbed the tables and chairs, scrubbed the windows, and blamed the previous class last year for dirtying the class until like that(barring the fact that the Raja block was only available for us this year)

then the interact ppl chionged off for lunch, and we literally caught the bus just as it was leaving RI, heng sia. upon reaching tantockseng, i got the money from shanna, and then we started stoning around and....stoning.

okay maybe today wasnt that fun.

OKAY ACTUALLY IT WAS.

CAUSE WE WENT TANTOCKSENG FOR INJECTION. LIKE THREE INJECTIONS. JABJABJAB. TYPHOID PLUS HEP A PLUS INFLUENZA. LIKE WATURF?

so we whiled away our three hours(not stoning la), mugging chinese(okay that was just zhemin), reading books(okay just ziyao), dsing(the rest of us), hp gaming(law jiahao) and perving(not me. really.)

but the injections were nothing, seriously. but they're damn freaking expensive la, baskit.

sigh the abrasions on my knuckles are getting more and more screwed up, tmd. and my face is super red and super tanned. sucks.

suddenly i re-read my post, and today doesnt really seem that interesting or fun,
after all. sianzbwar.

"I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try."
- Home, Chris Daughtry
why, never, ever to you,
but always, always to her?

2007-10-27T00:38:00.001+08:00

I'm not crying, doesnt matter what you do

So, you're leaving. You say you have to go.
Well if you have to go then, I suppose you have to go,
That's what it means, doesn't it, to have to go.
It means you have to go.

But if you're tryin' to break my heart,
Your plan is flawed from the start.
You can't break my heart, it's liquid,
It melted when I met you.

But as you walk down that path that leads from the door,
Don't turn around to see me once more.
Don't turn around to see if I'm crying.
(whispers) I'm not crying, not crying, not crying.

I'm not crying.
It's just been raining,
On my face.
And if you think you see the tear tracks down my cheeks,
Then please, please, please,
Don't tell my mates.
I'm not crying
No, I'm not crying
And if I am crying
It's not because of you
It's because i'm thinking about a friend of mine
you don't know
who's dyin', that's right, dyin'.
These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me,
I've just been cutting onions.
I'm just making a lasagne.
For one.

I'm not crying, noooo-ho-ho-ho.

There's just a little bit of dust in my eye
Just from the path that you made when you said your goodbye.
I'm not weeping cause you won't be here to hold my hand,
For your information there's an inflammation in my tear-gland.
I'm not upset because you left me this way,
My eyes are just a little sweaty today.
They've been looking around a lot, searching for you,
They've been looking for you,
Even though I told them not to.

These aren't tears of sadness, they're tears of joy,
I am laughing!
Haa haa haa haa, ha ha ha ha.

I'm sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life.
How come we've reached this fork in the road,
And yet it cuts like a knife.

But I'm not crying
I've just been cutting onions,
In the rain,
With my inflamed eye.

2007-10-25T00:47:00.001+08:00

you're so beautiful you could be a waitress

im blogging because i was supposed to blog everyday, but somehow, i left this blog to stagnate. whoops. today was quite a lot of fun what with breakfast at RJ and Players photoshoot(apart from RE, which was....feedback. about RP. no comments on that though).

then after school keeyao ahgong theng and i went to pick up theng's ds, somehow we met one of his friends there(at first i thought it was a coincidence, cheat money!) so we went to eat lunch, hokkien mee and me have no affiniteee seriouslee. then we realised that everyone at the table( including theng's friend) was going to chiangrai! then we realised that everyone at the table except ah gong(including theng's friend, seriously waturf!) had a ds! oh well nevermind.

kept falling asleep standing up but everytime i tried my knees buckled so i just yawned and tried to keep myself awake on the mrt.

obviously, i dont want that to happen again so im off to bed now (:

sweet dreams everyone.

"Oh, I remember exactly what we did at the look out. We just looked out' across the city from our little spot on the hilltop. Oh, It is so pretty from way up there. We talked about how the lights from the buildings and cars seemed like reflections of the stars that shined out so pretty and bright, that night."

"It was daytime."

"....The daytime of the night!"

- Jenny, Flight Of The Conchords
i thought you did, but now, i'll wait.
no, not tonight.

2007-10-20T01:38:00.000+08:00

maybe, just maybe

no chemmestry for me after all,
oh well.

i thought.
but it was just another beautiful dream

2007-10-18T00:21:00.001+08:00

what the fuck am i doing?

2007-10-17T00:40:00.000+08:00

because even if i feel lonely, i know the moon will keep me company

i did not do anything worth mentioning today, honestly, except for the 1 hour briefing on chiangrai trip. thats it.

i so dont want to be grad night emcee, i want to sit down dammit. and i want to eat. and have fun. and not stress.

screw it.

thanks teem for sending me songs

"Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you"
- Be Be Your Love, Rachael Yamagata
slumbersecret.

2007-10-16T00:40:00.000+08:00

surges of emotion; impulse.

eight in the morning. pau. synapse. euro. crap. artificial intelligence. fail. jiahong and ziyao. huh? waste time. macaroni. cheese. keeyao. ziyao. synovial. two. stop. sian. run. push the limits. until want to die. then further. kick. punch. elbow. knee. stop. rest. bathe. black shampoo. check. nothing. matters? don’t know. don’t want to. dinner. bread. soup. finish. sigh. stone. wonder. sin? no. win. everyday. different. Willy Wonka. Johnny Depp. inexplicable. skill. edwin. jappyy. teem. fatal error. laugh. finish. drow. win. jh. again. but? surges of emotion; impulse. thinking maybe. mistake. fool. school tomorrow. twelve forty, tuesday. logoff, and goodnight. why? late.

2007-10-15T00:45:00.000+08:00

this feeling is familiar

manga characters are emo.

Naruto, Naruto: omg not only is my best friend evil, the girl i like doesnt like me, and i have a nine tailed demon fox inside me. things arent looking good.

Bleach, Ichigo: omg the girl who saved me's dead,my very hot friend's been kidnapped, and to top it all off, i have an alternate ego hllbent on controlling me. lagi best.

Rurouni Kenshin, Himura Kenshin: omg i have a scar on my face, i have a tragic past, i've killed maybe one thousand people, and the people i fall in love with always end up dying. lagi worst.

Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric: omg i have a hand made of steel, my brother's soul is trapped in a suit of armour,my dad cant die, my mum's gone, and damn, im short as hell. tmd.

okay, so now i think the best leading manga character of all is here:

OnePiece, Luffy: MEAT!

yay i feel so much better already, super self entertaining!

no music tonight, dont feel like it.

crack them knuckles, and you'll understand.

2007-10-14T00:17:00.000+08:00

of pleasant dreams and painful realities

tennis yesterday and muay thai today are killing my legs, cannot walk anymore sigh. but yay tennis tomorrow.

and what a waste of my breaktime. anyway time passes even more quickly when you're asleep than when you're having fun, so off to bed i go! i've seriously got nothing better to do anymore sigh, life is so unexciting, and i cant be bothered to go spice it up myself either

bedside reading of rurouni kenshin here i come.

"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you"
- Numb, Linkin Park
锻炼身体。

2007-10-13T02:10:00.000+08:00

the only thing worse than being bored is being boring.

or being bored to death or something, i dont care. sigh tennis in school today was alright, but instead of becoming brown like i intended, now im bloody red. tmd sun. my face is like a freaking lobster, hopefully the sun on sunday's somewhat better.

yes, so we live in a superficial world, and you know what they say, close your eyes and listen to your heart, or you see so much more with your eyes closed than with your eyes open.

and when i looked into those eyes of yours i saw the deceit, and the lies, and the cunning, and the wiles, and the guiles,

but when i closed them eyes, all i could see was truth, and so i trusted.

did i really see more with my eyes closed, or did i just see what i wanted, what i hoped to see? i dont really give a fuck anymore,

because seeing is believing, no?

"So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there"
- The Reason Why, Rachael Yamagata
You're gone, but i'm still here.

2007-10-12T00:15:00.000+08:00

its not the eoys!

missed. in more ways than one.
and drift, in more ways than two.

that about sums up my life after eoys for today.

everyone's i've been talking to went offline already, about time i did too, night world.

"That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you."
- Close To You, Carpenters.
i need a new character
this is getting too boring
and too painful

2007-10-10T22:50:00.000+08:00

this lust to my brain almost feels like a gun

i hate checking my phone now, hurts like crazy.

final paper's tomorrow(history) and i cant wait for it to end, not just for resident evil:extinction(OMG HORROR THRILLER THING), or dota with 4L, but also to find out if everything thats happening and everything im feeling is cos of eoys, or something else, or you, or me, or both of us, or a combination of the above factors(lorms, history paper.)

i cant wait.

this is my last song from In Love And Death.

"If we cut out the bad
Well then we'd have nothing left
Like I cut up your angels
Yeah you stabbed me to death"
- Cut Up Angels, The Used.
please let it be the eoys.

2007-10-09T23:18:00.000+08:00

after thursday.

and after thursday, things'll change.

today was physics, i'd like to quote seetow here, cos he sums things up rather nicely:
"when everyone was walking out after physics paper today, there was a deafening chorus of vulgarities(: "

i'm happy to say that i contributed to that deafening chorus, with the loudest vulgarity i've ever spouted in my entire life.

how the fuck am i supposed to know what the ac current does to the kettle, or why the iron filings gather around some fucking cracks in the pipe, but not the other fucking cracks

but the mother of all questions was

what the fuck is in the black box?

OKAY ENOUGH NO MORE SWEARING HAHAH. NO MORE FEEZICKS FOR ME I DONT CARE.

i think the best part was that, when you know, checking the number of pages, i checked out the questions instead and i nearly died right there and then.

second best part was when i did mcq in 50minutes, then wanted to cry after that

third best part was the fact that i wanted to paper to faster finish despite the fact that i had maybe 10marks plus plus blank.

physics is king.

i take back what i said yesterday, i am now very very scared of physics.

i dont give a damn about bio anymore, i'll adopt the wait and see tactic, even if its hard i wont like rant or anything cos i didnt mugg for it anyway,

NOT LIKE PHYSICS, CHEEPLAST.

cannot wait for tmr to be over, history's nonsense anyway.

then after history, after thursday,

things'll change.

"Let it bleed
Take the red for what it's worth woah
Watch the fire
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time
If you feel like dying you might wanna sing"
- Let It Bleed, The Used
again?
no.
but i dont know what to feel anymore
is it them eoys?
maybe.
or maybe its you

2007-10-08T22:55:00.000+08:00

I AM POWERFUL.

instead of damien rice(makes me depressed, how to study physics like that?) i listened to The Used today, and they make me feel like slitting my wrist, no good.

yay niu lao shi rocks she gave me a bag of Ruffles just cos i lent her books :D okay maybe i saved her rental money or something. then she asked me something about orochimaru and sasuke, didnt really get what she was asking though, totally suck at chinese.

maths was a disaster cos i got mixed up between sector and segment, lost 7 marks aka 6% of my whole goddamn year cos of that, and chem was easy but i was careless. shouldnt have chemwhored so much yesterday, honestly, it was that easy. should have just pia-ed maths, or at least figured out what a sector was -.- pretty pissed with myself, but its alright la.

nevermind, i always believe i'm powerful wahahaha.

scared what!?

scared physics!?

go and die!

"I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got"
- All That I've Got, The Used
yeah even as i feel this pain
i wonder what it can really mean

2007-10-07T22:03:00.000+08:00

delicate's the word

today, i got really scared, cos upon waking up i realized that i've got chem and math tomorrow, my two ultimate pangsai subjects, math is double weightage somemore. sigh. and so i mugged of course. mug mug mug mug mug.

so now i'm not really afraid anymore, just feeling depressed, damien rice does this to me. that's why i listen to it each and everytime before every drama performance i have, best way to empty my heart of all emotion other than that which i deal with best.

think i'll listen to some damien rice before maths+chem tmr!

going to read onepiece now :D

dive into another character and make him my own.

nait evreebaadi.

"So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to ya
Why'd you sing with me at all?"
- Delicate, Damien Rice
when i think about the things we said we'd try
yeah it makes me really want to die!

2007-10-07T00:17:00.000+08:00

inamorata

"sum up your day in 10 words or less"

chem tuition
math tuition
math practice
please no, not you.

"So don't work your stuff
because I've got troubles enough
no, don't pick on me
when one act of kindness could be
deathly
deathly
definitely"
- Deathly, Aimee Mann
no, not you, i cant
so keep like you're doing now

2007-10-05T23:52:00.000+08:00

HELL NO, NOT YOU.

on the bus home today, i was planning to blog about happy things! happy eoys! happy chem remedial! happy bus ride even! happy dreams.

BUT NO. YOU MUST COME AND JONG ME.

there're two things that i hate very much:
1. when people misunderstand the things i do(or something to this effect)
2. when people just dont get it. okay this is like number 1. but i dont care.

freaking hell, the world doesnt bloody revolve around you okay, what the heck do you know about me, or about the things i do, or about why i do the things i do?

what do you know, really?

fine, im flawed, everyone's flawed damn it, but dont you dare try to psychoanalyze me and cook up your own ridiculous rationale as to why i do things, or why things are the way they are, dont you dare presume and impose upon me your own cocked up ideas.

dont. try.

it's been a while since i've been so pissed at anyone before, yet upon reflection, im kind of not surprised that its you.

cant be bothered with you anymore, END OF RANT.

okay.

cannot tahan, was reading my manga again, and now i hate mangakas cos they make real life seem so boring!!!! LIKE DAMN BORING.

see right, instead of taking my eoys, (ss and english? like waturf?)

i could be,

vanquishing hollows with my fellow shinigami

completing missions with my fellow ninjas

a pirate. with my fellow pirates of course

a shaman, and summon spirits and stuff.

BUT NO. I HAVE TO MUG CHEM. UGH. wahahaha i just realized im still ranting, nooooo! but this is so much more fun heh.

BUT OF COURSE, there could be an alternate reality, existing within this reality, that goes by a whole set of totally different rules man. like you know in Bleach, where the poor commoners have no idea about the battles that the poor shinigami have to go through to uphold the holy balance of Soul Society. or something.

SO, IF ANYONE KNOWS OF SUCH A REALITY,

or if anyone knows of a Gomu Gomu no mi or any other such fruits,

or anyone willing to teach me any flashy ninjutstu

or anyone who has a zanpaktou for sale

OR ANYTHING OUTTA THIS WORLD.

PLEASE. CALL MY NUMBER. 96283625(omg i dont know whose number this is dont anyhow call ah.)

OKAY SET.

dammit everything looks cool in manga

TODAY, WAS THE FIRST DAY OF EOYS.

i wrote until my finger had a shiny dent in it, damn painful and damn disgusting. muahahahahahahaha. i think i aced the essays, but with essays, you never know la sigh.

anyway, after RJ open house, i was sort of reconsidering my whole RP/TSD gameplan. INSTEAD, I SHOULD LIKE WORKOUT EVERYDAY AND BECOME A MUAYTHAI JOCK!

just kidding. RP ftw.

anyway i was thinking of something really interesting:

FRIEND: so, what do your kids do ah?
PARENT: oh, my first daughter's a doctor, my second daughter's a doctor, and my son....we dont really talk about him anymore

no more i have two daughters and a sun ahahahahah. im not going to be a doctor, no!

you know some words should seriously be spelt differently, whoever made us spell words the way they are now probably wasnt thinking ahead.

nice to NAIS
yes to YEAHS
good to GUD
basket to BASKIT

so on and so forth. MUAHAHAHAHHHA.

muahahah to MOOOAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

i want to end my post by sort of continuing from the first part(baskit, i was thinking happy things then i couldnt remember what i intended to blog about, and here i am again. -.-)

i am happier now then i've ever been before.

and that is all.

gud naight peepearl.

"Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won"
- Look What You've Done, Jet.
made a fool of yourself.

2007-10-04T23:29:00.000+08:00

girl, what's on your mind?

OMG EOYS TOMORROW.
SLEEP NOW.
NOW.
okay i havent been blogging much like, very contentless posts,

BUT.

IT IS,

EOY SEASON.

SO FORGIVE ME MY LOYAL READERS.

I M OFF, TO SLEEP.

forgot to give due credit to my song yesterday, it was Supermassive Black Hole by Muse.

as for today's music,

"All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore"
- All By Myself, Various Artists including Celine Dion
my only fault was that you were too perfect

2007-10-04T00:22:00.000+08:00

joice, rejoice, and re-rejoice!

super day.

12++ already! must sleep!
goodnight everyone!

"I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth"
SO LONG, AND GOODNIGHT. FOREVER.

2007-10-02T23:13:00.000+08:00

brand new world

hashiridase! hashiridase!

school today was alright(chinese history pe maths assembly how slack can it get la), class phototaking was :D i wore federer shoes! and long pants for once! okay back to crummy yonex and short pants tomorrow.

sigh, you know how sometimes something terrible, or something beautiful, or something just really fucking amazing or strange or weird happens to you basically super good story and you just want to tell somebody, anybody all about your day.

so you open your mouth, or you get ready to type out your whole grandmother story, your whole channel 8 drama serial to someone, but you stop, you hesitate. not just because your story's pretty longwinded, but mainly cos you dont know if you should even tell this person, something's not right.

everyone has their own grandmother stories, and channel 8 drama serials, and everyone leads their own lives, and sometimes you wonder if you're crossing some imaginary line which says *keep out, cos i dont give a damn*. *i have better things to do*

better things to do, and better people to talk to and listen to.

i hate the feeling of talking to people and telling them my sop stories/happy stories and wondering if they're just listening to me for the sake of listening, because i started the conversation and now they cant get out of it. same thing, i hate being obligated to do anything or to talk to someone, and if someone comes to me and expects me to do all this, i'll get very angry or i just wont comply, or i just wont listen, because whats the point of listening to someone when you dont want to, or when you're insincere, or you just dont give a fuck?

no song tonight, im off to sleep (:

for a moment there, you were the best part of my life

2007-10-01T23:39:00.000+08:00

darling, darling

was just listening to crazy crazy rainbow star again(:D makes me happy), and yes, i was still in a terribly good mood when suddenly i wondered, why the hell in a good mood, and the answer was: because im listening to crazy crazy rainbow star. huh!?

sometimes i think that its pretty pathetic/(insert word that applies) that nowadays i'm rely on...like music, and manga and movies or even mugging to change my mood, just seems to me like im avoiding the problems and things that trouble me instead of confronting them head on.

then sometimes i just think too much, and i hate it, not just because it keeps me awake every night, like no joke i take 45mins to fall sleep nowadays and it sucks, but mainly because i realise that if i keep things simple, like relationships, the way i go about doing my stuff, and basically everything else la,

then maybe i'd be a much happier person.

i came across this question a while back, "would you rather be stupid but good, or evil and intelligent?"

my answer to that would save me a spot in Slytherin for sure.

anyway i want to get to bed before 12, its something like 1155 now so,

good night!

"Goodbye, she said
Theres someone in this world for you
So goodluck, she said
I went and found somebody new"
- One Last Kiss, Madina Lake
we can cry when we're happy, too.

2007-10-01T00:05:00.000+08:00

crazy crazy rainbow star!

twinkle twinkle rainbow star!

somehow, by some fluke, im in a pretty contented and happy mood, i think its this song that yao just sent me, wahahahahah!

anyway i've been watching/reading onepiece again, and i cant help but continue to marvel at the straw hat pirates!! cannot tahan, they're really damn good/damn united and everything, as in, i've seriously no doubt that anyone of them would fight to the death for one another. something like that. its really touching and heartwarming i guess, the way their friendship is tested time and time again, but they always make it through. how they respect each other's dreams and abilities, and the implicit trust they have in each other

i wonder how it feels like, you know, to have this group of friends/people around you who'd fight to the end for you, who'd die for you, but most of all, who have absolute trust in you.

sometimes i think that finding this group of people isnt the hard part,

but rather its finding it in yourself to do for these people what they would, for you.

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out"
- Broken. Lifehouse
i realise.